Freedom From Pride, Part 1

"I can only be right with God if I accept the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ as an absolute gift.

Am I humble enough to accept it ?

I have to surrender all my rights and demands, and cease from every self-effort.

I must leave myself completely alone in His hands."

-Oswald Chambers

Timothy Keller said that humility is shy, and that when you begin talking about it, it leaves. I reflected on this quote as I considered publishing a blog post about that very topic. To be honest, it made me question whether I should start writing or not. In the end, I decided that if nothing else, writing this would help me process a thing or two, and then I could simply save the words for myself and never put it online.We'll see what I decide. Allow me to start by sharing part of my story.

Throughout my life, I have been very blessed. While some are raised in broken homes, mine was whole, warm, and loving. I received support and affection from parents and siblings, and I had what I needed to thrive in life. I was blessed to be raised in a Christian home, personally knowing my Savior from a young age. We were not rich by any means, but I never felt in need. I traveled, studied, participated in sports and theater, worked, received music lessons, and had wonderful friends.

I was born with a natural curiosity, and a willingness to do just about anything. My family believes in the capability and value of women, and I was encouraged to try things, to expolore, to set goals, and to work hard towards achieving them. I have always been somewhat entrepreneurial, a "go-getter" as some might say, and I love tasting the flavor and variety that life offers !

I am not great at any one particular thing, but I can find relative success in many different areas. Music, work, education, social life, leadership. I've had opportunities to try many things, and there are few times I counted myself as having failed (though this may also be due to a naturally optimistic outlook on life). Did I mention that I was born to a nation that worships individuality and praises personal success ?? The message was all around, inspiring me to be all I could be and to go far in life through hard work and belief in myself. So I worked hard and did well in my endeavors, I got along with people, and I enjoyed the "fruit of my labor," so to speak.

In college, my hard work paid off once again. I was a full-time nursing student, a leader in a campus ministry, active at my church, volunteering in the community, and working to pay my bills and tuition. I had good friends, good grades, and a good future ahead. I know that the Lord was faithful to me during those years, but I was also very faithful to myself, providing for my own needs and riding on the pride of my achievements. I graduated with honors, was asked to speak at our pinning ceremony (a speech that was later quoted by the school's president in front of thousands), and left the University with only a couple thousand dollars of college debt. There were many things that made me feel successful, accomplished, and proud.

In front of others, I gave credit to God.

In my heart, I gave lots of credit to myself.

In May 2015, two wonderful things happened: I met the man who would become my husband, and God began to work on my pride (I wonder if those two always go together?). Also very capable and intelligent, David has many diverse interests and abilities. While I have learned stability from the consistency in my childhood, David has built a beautiful strength from facing challenges in his. We saw from the start how this could be something quite complementary.

I had never been in a romantic relationship before, and I suddenly found myself in an uncomfortable place. Telling someone about your life, and truly letting them see you from every angle are two very different things. While it was easy to show my good side to others, if I really wanted to let David see into my life and heart, I would have to show him every side. This included strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures.

One thing that I realized through my discussions with David was that pride can be subtle and disguised. There were many areas of pride in my life that weren't obvious to me at first. It was often through dealing with another struggle that seemed completely disconnected but which, after much self-reflection and being brutally honest with myself, really stemmed from the same tree, that I came to discover the root of the ugliness. My insecurity, fears, arrogance, comparison, and criticism of others were all products of pride, and they were indeed horribly ugly.

Discovery. This was the first step in the process of my humiliation (a word which here means "being brought to a lower position in my own eyes").

Scripture reminds us that God is faithful to complete the good work that He starts within us (Phil. 1:6), and I can testify to the validity of that promise in my own life. Scripture also says that sometimes a rod and reproof are necessary to impart wisdom (Proverbs 29:15), and let me just say that many rods and much reproof are required to battle against pride! The bridge from pride to humility is long and difficult to cross, and I often take one step forward and two steps back...and I still haven't made it to the other side (will we ever, this side of heaven ?).

The rods began to appear in greater number as I moved forward in my relationship with David.

Decide. The second step in my humiliation involved making a decision to move against pride. This didn't mean that pride just disappeared, because I could still feel it in my heart. It simply meant that when pride told me to go one way, I chose to go the other. A couple examples:

1. Pride (and popular opinion) told me "get a job and put that education to good use !" while I felt that God was telling me to sell my car so I could go to Africa and spend time working alongside the man I was supposed to marry. So I went to Africa.

2. Pride told me "stay in the U.S., where you speak the language and can be understood, work, make friends and be recognized more easily!" while God was telling me to move to French-speaking Quebec and commit to full-time ministry for two years. So I went to Canada.

With each decision to go against my pride, I felt a certain amount of victory, but the battle inside was far from over. Although I looked forward with excitement, I also cried many tears when talking with David about the future. The thought of not working as a nurse for multiple years, of living on financial support from others, and navigating cultural differences within the highly intimate context of marriage were all things that I knew God was asking me to surrender to Him, but which I held on to in fear.

Fast-forward to my life today, and I've realized that those things I feared are indeed difficult to face. There are many things in my life that continue to humble me day-after-day, including:

-living in another culture

-learning another language through immersion, and not being able to express myself as I would like to those around me (as well as the friends and family of my husband)

-not working as a nurse

-being married (daily confrontations with a different point of view, learning INTERdependence, coming face-to-face with my flaws, feeling undeserving of such love and commitment)

-living on financial support

-not having the same sense of "accomplishment" as before and realizing that I thrived on that praise

I have had many conversations with David.

I have had many conversations with God.

I have cried many tears (which humbles me every time)

I have come to the end of myself, and I think that's exactly where I need to be.